Tuesday, January 31, 2012

When the Hard Gets Harder

This last year more than ever I have found myself constantly (and some days this is no exaggeration) reiterating in my head the concept that "God is good." It is a truth that I have grounded my life on. It's not an idea that has been forced on me, nor is it an unfounded belief that theoretically just sounds good in the religious realm. It is to me the most foundational truth that I can always come back to when my life gets crazy. This last week has presented several trials in which I have had to make the choice to believe this statement. Oh how I wish faith was something that once achieved was something that just stuck. Faith is a choice, one that is a daily or in my case, a minute to minute choice. When life takes a turn, how will I choose to respond? Will I have enough faith to say, "God is good, " or will i find myself questioning His plan for me?

Last week, Chris interviewed for a job that he had a pretty good chance at getting. It was better pay, a better position, and a move up in the corporate world. At the end of the week he found out that he did not get it. As I got off the phone with him after hearing the news I continued on reading a story for Ava as she was getting ready for nap. My eyes filled with tears to the point that I couldn't see the words on the page. As my voice cracked, Ava looked up at me and softly smiled. Why? Why not this job? I found myself thinking, "Our life is already stressful. It is already hard enough with Jackson. Why not this job to help take at least some of the heavy burden off?"

On Thursday of last week I brought Jackson into our Pediatrician for some issues that he was having with spitting up. It turns out that he is just still congested. However, during a normal exam we found that his heart rate was very low. Our doctor called down to Houston to see what to do next and we waited for an answer. I went to get the kids some lunch as I waited to hear what I should do next. I frantically paced the isles of Target as I tried to keep my cool for Ava's sake. I smiled at her, we sang some songs, and we looked at anything princess we could find. As I left the store, I could not even remotely remember where I parked. My brain was just racing with, "What if this is an emergency? What if this is my nightmare coming true?" After 15 minutes of searching the parking lot, we found the car, went back to the doctor’s office, and completed an EKG. Everything appeared to be back to normal and as quickly as we rushed back, we got back in the car and headed home.

So here we are, Tuesday night, the day before we leave for Houston and Chris tested positive for the FLU!!! It came out of nowhere and took him down over night. Fever, chills, aches and pains. Since Jackson has been discharged from the hospital after being born, Chris has not been able to go to a single doctor’s appointment. We were so excited with the new year bringing his new vacation time back that I have been anticipating being able to have him with me during these long weary days of testing. I am so tired and emotionally drained of carrying this part of the burden without him. But, tomorrow I will head back down to endure another full day of appointments on Thursday without him. Soothing Jackson, distracting him as they run scans on his heart, waiting in rooms for any sort of results that they can give me.

 It's been a painful week. A week of wondering why and questioning when will it get easier? With each bump in the road I have had to choose where to direct my thoughts. I have failed so many times. I have allowed my plans to overtake the bigger picture at hand. But, as I have failed, I have fallen to my knees to ask for forgiveness. Lord, grant me the faith that when doors close, I am there to say, "you are good." For I know that even though these trials are difficult and painful that they are all part of a beautiful story that you have written for my family. You are Good even when I don't understand my circumstances. Your love for me is great even when things don't go the way I planned. This I know to be true.