Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May 31, 2011 (Day 12) Facing your giants

I found myself at the library this morning searching for books for Ava when I found a few great books for myself.  One that I picked out specifically because of the title is  called, Facing your Giants by Max Lucado. I began reading it and immediately I knew, this was the book God had chosen for me in this season. I highly urge everyone to pick up a copy at your library or anywhere else. You will not be disappointed! 

For me, I am facing my biggest giant. It’s called fear. I told Chris long before all of this that I feel like I could recover from just about anything other than having one of my children die in my arms. How do you bounce back from that? The second the doctors told us about Jackson, fear like I have never felt before  took over. I had no other choice but to move forward. Every day science tells me that I will hold my child lifeless in my arms, but faith tells me to push on and believe. 

David faced Goliath. He not only faced him, but scripture (I Samuel 17:48) tells us that he ran to Goliath. David saw what others didn’t and refused to see what others did. He could physically see Goliath just like any other man waiting on the sidelines, but he saw God more so. When everyone around him talked tactics and impossibilities, David discussed nothing else but God. He wasted no time on odds, but was focused on what He knew God could do. David’s life is a roller coaster of ups and downs. He had moments of faith and moments of great failure, yet God still called him a man after His own heart. What an incredible title.

We each have a choice, are we God focused or “giant” focused? 

God, grant me the strength to see you even in times where everyone else sees the impossible. As David ran to meet Goliath, his brothers covered their eyes in fear and Goliath laughed. God, regardless of what others may think or say, may Chris & I run to our greatest fears with confidence because you are more than able. Thank you because you are faithful. 

The battle is on, the war is raging.

Monday, May 30, 2011

May 30 (Day 11) There is Hope

My posts have been primarily trying to pick out the loving attributes of God during the difficulties of our lives. But, the fact of the matter is this. I feel the deep heart wrenching pain just like the next person who gets this sort of news believer or not. I feel the wide range of emotions from guilt to fear and numbness to paralyzing pain. Believing that God has a plan for our lives doesn’t just take the difficult situation and make it easy to walk through. But, it takes the situation and changes everything about how we look at life.

So what difference does God make in these situations? Isn’t it just the same to be angry with Him for why this is all happening?

Two years ago we suffered a miscarriage at about 8 weeks along. I spent over a year being bitter and fighting God. I wanted answers. I wanted an explanation for why so many things in our lives would never go right. When we moved to Austin I spent three months fighting God on even stepping foot in a church. Why? What was the point? It was just a bunch of people singing and praising God for his goodness. I seemed to be missing where that goodness was in my own life. Chris would try to encourage me and yet I needed to get there on my own. I believed fully in my heart, but I had allowed my bitterness to overtake. All until God brought me to a point where I was so afraid of letting my bitterness take me any further. I knew I couldn’t fight it anymore.

It took awhile to build my faith back up and restore the very principles that I knew to be true. I just hadn’t realized how far I had allowed my bitterness to take me until I allowed God to take over again. It hurt so deeply that I had allowed my circumstances to take over and distort the very foundation of who I knew my loving Savior to be. I was ashamed.

That was one year ago. This is today; being faced with an even more difficult situation. A baby that is further along, a baby that we have chosen a name for and has become developed enough that I will deliver him regardless of the outcome. “God, you think I am ready for this? You think I am strong enough for this?” The answer is yes. I have gone down the road of bitterness and the only place it led me to was utter loneliness and seclusion. I have gone down the path of fighting God and demanding answers and all it gave me was emptiness.

The truth is this. God is God whether you wake up wanting to believe it or not. God is good whether you choose to see it or not. God is in control whether you want to acknowledge it or not. By seeing God for who He is changes everything. I am not alone, I am being carried along and while I still feel the pain just like anyone else, I see Hope that God is doing something greater than I could have ever planned. To throw in my faith would be losing the greatest gift I have ever received. There is no room for bitterness, no room for questions. God is faithful in my life, He always has been and always will be. Even in the situations where things didn’t go the way I had prayed or planned, I know that He is leading me. You may never know why and you may never get to see the big picture, but there is always a perfect plan. Who knows, maybe all my life has been leading to this.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

May 28, 2011 (Day 9) Commit Yourselves

I have been beginning to see the build up of emotions and tension at our house these days. The breakdown began two nights ago where we began to hit a point of complete exhaustion. Cleaning, moving, unpacking, cleaning the old apartment, and adjusting to life at the new house seemed to be all we could take. These are the things on top of the extreme time constraint of having to understand the complexity of the heart, research different facilities, and try to choose the best surgeons to seek out medical advice. Our daily lives changed overnight and we found ourselves sleep deprived and overwhelmed with all the details. 

July 14, 2007

It occurred to me that it is impossible to try to find a balance. Chris & I don't have time for leisurely conversations, our baby's life is on the line. If we aren't researching, we are praying, and if we aren't praying we are preparing. The typical married, "Honey how was your day?" conversation has been replaced with " Should we go to Boston, Houston, or Philadelphia to continue our care over the next few months? So many decisions, such little time. And yet, God's grace is sufficient to cover all the areas of our lives that have become and will continue to be out of balance. 

Our tears we shed together bring us closer than any amount of conversations. Our research done allows us to pull together to find the wisdom for what things to cover in prayer. We are starting to learn how to connect on a level in which we have never had to before. What I have come to notice is that it takes a great sense of committment to pull together and fight not only for Jackson but for our entire family. We will not be pulled apart by grief, but we are standing strong in the faith that God will carry us as a family through this painful period of our lives. 

So today, we committ ourselves to Joshua 24:15:

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”