May 20, 2011 (Day 1) God is gracious

God is gracious. This is the meaning for Jackson (form of jack). I know this to be true, but I wondered yesterday how exactly His grace would play out in our lives as we start this long and difficult journey. I wondered how do I get up, how do I function, how can I be at my best as a mother, when I am shattered. I barely slept last night as I tossed and turned just longing to feel a kick or any sort of sign that my precious baby was still going strong. With no sleep, I got up this morning by slowly sitting up in bed and then standing to my feet. I thought, “Ok, I did it. I got out of bed. Now what next?” As I looked around our apartment I saw half of it boxed up and ready to be moved. I saw the other half of our things sitting there waiting for me to pack them neatly in a box to be transferred to our very first home. The home we bought for our kids, for our family. The house that we bought with two kids in mind and I slowly sat back down.  Lord, how do I pack when I don’t want to move? How do I get excited about a house that has a nursery painted in the color that I picked specially for my little Jackson?

God spoke to my heart, “My grace is sufficient for you.” I spent my morning making phone calls. I received a call from the Austin Area Birthing Center following up on my appointment with the cardiologist. The director at the center spoke with me for a long time to see what exactly was going on and how we were doing. She cried for us and then said, “Honey, how did this happen to you?” In their eyes I was the perfect candidate to deliver a baby via midwives at a birthing center. I was young, healthy, a stable lifestyle, and a supportive family. “It just doesn’t make any sense,” she said. I shared with her my heart as a mother to never give up on my baby. I will fight every step of the way for him. She referred me to a new doctor that will work hand in hand with our cardiac specialist and then continued on to talk about cancelling my contract.

In that very minute, life stood still once again. All my excitement, all my joy in finding a birthing center that would help us deliver a healthy baby boy the way that Chris & I so desired, was disappearing. My joy in delivering naturally and peacefully was leaving and being replaced of images of an emergency c-section so my baby could be rushed off to open heart surgery. “Kathryn, “My plans are not your plans. My grace is sufficient for you.” I hung up the phone feeling numb. This is reality.

We had brand new carpet replaced at our new home the day before we found out that our lives will be forever changed. Today was the day that I needed to pay the rest of the deposit. $1067.12 to be exact. I looked at the bill and I cried. A few days ago it seemed manageable, but today it felt impossible. I looked at the numbers and I said “ok, God how do I do this and the medical bills that have already started to build up?” I called Tim at the Austin Floor Store. His gentleness on the phone gave me the strength to ask him if it would possible to make payments. He started to tell me about financing options and then asked what was going on. I explained to him our situation and he said, “Don’t pay anything right now. Call me back in a few weeks and we will talk then about what kind of plan you want to work out.” I wanted to cry on the phone. The months of popping in and out of his store, checking on prices, checking on what was in stock, had built a relationship. His kindness shown to us was unlikely in the business world and yet his compassion for us was an overwhelming sign that God was going to use every detail in our lives to show himself faithful. My God is gracious, yes He is. His love unwavering for us and even when we don’t understand the big picture, we see Him working every minute.

Our AC unit at the new house has been having issues. It was working and then when we tried to install a new thermostat, it just stopped. We kept putting it off to have someone come and look at it, but with the move only days away we knew we had to have it fixed. It is a necessity here in Texas! I feared that it would be an extensive, costly problem. Chris called only moments ago to tell me that the AC was working perfectly. My wonderful mom was at the new house cleaning at the time and paid the repair man before Chris could get to it. I don’t even know the amount, but what I do know is that our AC is in great working condition and not a single penny came out of our bank account. Again, my God is faithful and loving to provide on every level the type of care that we need. Thank you to my beautiful and loving mother who is just as broken hearted as we are and is always one of the first people I know to come swiftly to the rescue. She is the one that taught me how to be a mother and to love unconditionally no matter what the fight. She spent her life sacrificing herself, staying at home with me every day, and giving me the values that I have incorporated into my own parenting. Those values allow me every day to see my unborn baby as a beautiful life, one that is worth fighting for everyday until God calls Him home.

It’s only day 1 of the journey. 23 weeks down of the pregnancy. 13 weeks ahead until a full term baby. C’mon on Jackson, all of us our fighting for you… we love you sweet boy!