May 30 (Day 11) There is Hope

My posts have been primarily trying to pick out the loving attributes of God during the difficulties of our lives. But, the fact of the matter is this. I feel the deep heart wrenching pain just like the next person who gets this sort of news believer or not. I feel the wide range of emotions from guilt to fear and numbness to paralyzing pain. Believing that God has a plan for our lives doesn’t just take the difficult situation and make it easy to walk through. But, it takes the situation and changes everything about how we look at life.

So what difference does God make in these situations? Isn’t it just the same to be angry with Him for why this is all happening?

Two years ago we suffered a miscarriage at about 8 weeks along. I spent over a year being bitter and fighting God. I wanted answers. I wanted an explanation for why so many things in our lives would never go right. When we moved to Austin I spent three months fighting God on even stepping foot in a church. Why? What was the point? It was just a bunch of people singing and praising God for his goodness. I seemed to be missing where that goodness was in my own life. Chris would try to encourage me and yet I needed to get there on my own. I believed fully in my heart, but I had allowed my bitterness to overtake. All until God brought me to a point where I was so afraid of letting my bitterness take me any further. I knew I couldn’t fight it anymore.

It took awhile to build my faith back up and restore the very principles that I knew to be true. I just hadn’t realized how far I had allowed my bitterness to take me until I allowed God to take over again. It hurt so deeply that I had allowed my circumstances to take over and distort the very foundation of who I knew my loving Savior to be. I was ashamed.

That was one year ago. This is today; being faced with an even more difficult situation. A baby that is further along, a baby that we have chosen a name for and has become developed enough that I will deliver him regardless of the outcome. “God, you think I am ready for this? You think I am strong enough for this?” The answer is yes. I have gone down the road of bitterness and the only place it led me to was utter loneliness and seclusion. I have gone down the path of fighting God and demanding answers and all it gave me was emptiness.

The truth is this. God is God whether you wake up wanting to believe it or not. God is good whether you choose to see it or not. God is in control whether you want to acknowledge it or not. By seeing God for who He is changes everything. I am not alone, I am being carried along and while I still feel the pain just like anyone else, I see Hope that God is doing something greater than I could have ever planned. To throw in my faith would be losing the greatest gift I have ever received. There is no room for bitterness, no room for questions. God is faithful in my life, He always has been and always will be. Even in the situations where things didn’t go the way I had prayed or planned, I know that He is leading me. You may never know why and you may never get to see the big picture, but there is always a perfect plan. Who knows, maybe all my life has been leading to this.