Thursday, September 20, 2012

September 20, 1012- A year of waiting

A year ago today I stood over my little boy's hosptial crib. His tiny two week old body shaking with hunger as we were told he was not able to eat before his surgery. We tried soothing him in every way possible. I tried to exert a calm front for him but inside I was torn to shreds. It was like my own heart was being ripped from my body as I thought about the life he was enduring. Thinking about watching him being wheeled away into a surgery room while they worked on his heart was an unbearable thought.

Jackson Waiting to go in for surgery, 9/20/2011

His surgery was scheduled for noon. As that time rolled around and went our nerves continued to climb. He was getting more hungry by the minute and I was unravling by the second. I would have given anything to switch places with him. I paced the room listening for anyone that would come near to our room. It wasn't until 3:00 ( 3 hours after our scheduled time) that our surgeon came into our room to talk to us about what was happening. When he told us that they had a change of heart and would not be doing the surgery I thought my knees were going to buckle. He was unsure if it was the right timing and felt that we needed to give Jackson more time to grow and to watch what his heart was going to do. He left the room and I collapsed in a ball crying for what seemed like an eternity. On one hand it was absolutley amazing to have our son spared from a surgery. On the other hand, it meant more waiting, more unanswered questions.

So here we are today. Fast forward one year and we are still waiting. Waiting and watching to see if signs of heart failure begin to show in our precious boy. When people look at him they see a healthy, normal, and happy little boy. What they don't know is that this little boy has a heart that is completley backwards, complete heart block that creates a heart beat of around 48 beats per minute while he sleeps, and even on his best days, has an average heart beat of around 70 beats per minute.

For a whole year we have been waiting every day. Checking him, worrying about every fast breath he takes, watching his little toes for circulation. Hoping for the best and planning for worst. As I look back over the last year I began to really take all of it in. All the emotions, all the experiences, and it lead me to realize how truly blessed we have been. We continue to wait for so many answers for what is to come, but one thing we have never had to wait on is the continued grace and love of the Lord.

Every step of the way He has poured out every ounce of strength we have needed and provided for every need that we have had. He has granted wisdom when we were lost, opened doors that we thought were impossible, and given peace in areas that are defined by uncertainity. What an incredible ride this first year has been! On days where anxiety begins to rise, we have to constantly remind ourselves that living life with purpose is a choice. This is the road we have been given. It is one that gets bumpy (or if I am being really honest, it seems like huge boulders are falling on us at times) but it is a road that is also paved with peace and unbelieveable joy. How can you not just love your life when you wake up to this each day? A happy, stable, surgery free, and now walking little miracle? My heart and my life are full because of what the Lord has faithfully done in our lives! thank you Jesus for the work that you continue to do!


1 comment:

  1. I can't help but to have tears when I see his little face. His smile reflects God's love and faithfulness. Always in our hearts and prayers, Jackson you are so loved by people that you have never even met.