Two weeks. Two weeks since we sat in a consult room reviewing images of Jacksons heart. The heart wrenching reality that we face became all too real as we glanced through picture after picture of the many reasons our son will need to go through the unfathomable over the next year or so.
Four years ago I felt that God promised me that He would continue to sustain Jackson beyond each point the doctors would declare intervention needed on his very complicated heart. Four years of living on that promise with every crazy twist and turn along the way. I've sat by the bedside of his newborn body fully prepped for surgery to have it canceled only moments before heading into the OR. I've sat in front of his surgeon and had the call been made multiple times to start surgeries and yet the decision was always reversed after more thought. Until two weeks ago.
We sat in the consult room trying to make it through an appointment where there was no evidence of sustaining moving forward, only images of the beginning stages of heart failure. How is this happening? Where is the promise?
Two weeks. That's How long I have wrestled with God. I've fought, I've yelled, I've cried out. It's been dark and it's been ugly at times. I am convinced that very few things in life will challenge your faith like that of watching your children suffer. It's been a battle I didn't expect to face. It's a battle I am not prepared to fight. But He is.
My heart aches in ways I never thought possible. I start trying to worship and I can't even connect. I start to pray and all I can say is "Jesus". But in all of my failures, God has reached down and comforted and walked with me through these dark days. His graciousness to journey with me even in the times that I've accused him of leaving is beyond me.
Trials help reveal to us the heart of God if we let them. It is so easy to question, doubt, and worry in these times. But it's those moments of tension in our lives that we get to connect with God on a level much deeper. When I am stuck in fear and I choose to hit my knees and simply say "Jesus", there is power in that. Never doubt the power that is in His name. When I read the Word and I don't feel the truth, I have to choose to read it again and again and again however many times it takes to break through.
We are fully embracing the season of life we are in. It is a season of crying and grieving. This isn't our season of dancing and laughing, but it is still a season of trusting and leaning on a faithful God. We are confident that He will NEVER leave us. He has gone before us, he has paved the way, and only He can carry us through.
And on days where I wake up and feel abandoned and unloved I can remember his body broken and bruised for my on the cross. He was left alone for me. He was unloved for me. He was shamed for me. Because He loves me. We are not alone. We are walking with the most incredible God who in the midst of the battle is comforting and bandaging our wounds and strengthening us to continue the fight. What a gift to walk hand in hand with such love. Wherever the road may lead He is faithful to stay. And that is enough comfort for my weary soul today. Come what may... He is my constant.