As all of our news is starting to sink in, we have been hitting about every emotional roadblock possible. Even things I thought were so solid, so unable to be touched, have not only been touched, but have been rocked. Our faith, our foundation, our marriage, and our finances have been through the fire this last week. As we have dug deep into our souls, our love for another, and our pockets, we have watched as things that normally come so easy for us to talk through and walk through have become like ticking bombs just waiting to explode.
One of the cruelest parts about the disease that Jackson has is that he seems so normal. People would never guess that beyond his charming little grin and converse sneakers that there lies a very complex and very unhealthy little heart. He is such a champ and plows through everything a normal little toddler would, but the reality of his little life is one that keeps us up at night and on our knees. Sadly, we are forced to make some of the hardest decisions for his life while he is tolerating his condition in hopes that we intervene at a point where he is strong enough to endure the corrections necessary to save his life.
These decisions are tough for Chris and I as we are two very different people and handle these situations very differently. As I have watched the last week rock us emotionally, mentally, and financially as we set ourselves up for 2013, I have these fears racing in my head.....
These situations are what make or break a marriage. Are we doing everything we should to protect ourselves?
Ava just accepted Jesus, how do we explain God's love to her as she watches Jackson suffer?
How do we afford all of this?
Will this save Jackson's life or are the risks too high for him?
The list goes on and on and on with very valid concerns. It literally keeps me up at night. The Lord layed something on my heart today. Although I have considered the worst in every situation, have I even taken the time to consider that maybe just maybe....
My God is big enough to not only sustain my marriage, but after this year to create an even better friendship amongst us. That in enduring the darkest of days together we would grow more in love with each other than ever before. That yes, Ava will see suffering, but she will also be living amongst miracles, and daily being shown how God truly provides for our every need. That she will be surrounded by people giving, sharing, sacraficing, and donating and she would declare in her own life that God is love. That any anxiety with our finances would grow our hearts to better sympathize with others that are struggling and yield in us a heart that gives more than ever before. That Jackson's testimony no matter how difficult the fight would reach others in a way that nothing else would. That people would see his life, his timeline, and his story and see that God is still a God of miracles even when events don't play out that way we wish they would.
I don't know how that looks practically for us right now, but what I can say is this:
I have considered it. Am beleiving for it. Now please Lord let it be.