It’s appointment day tomorrow. That day where you want in every way to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. The few days leading up to appointments are not always my best. I am a little more short-tempered, less patient, and anxious. It’s literally like clockwork that the week before big appointment days I gradually become less and less fun. I usually have dreams of heart surgeries, sometimes even dreams where I wake myself from crying. I sleep less, worry more, and ORGANIZE. I don’t know what it is, but the more stressed I get the more I just start ripping things out of closets and drawers and reconfiguring how to put them back in….c’mon, I know I am not the only one out there that organizes to stress relieve. Oh how my husband loves these days ( ;
Yes, these are my human tendencies. They are flawed and point to a very real need for a God that relentlessly pursues a relationship with me. That even when He has faithfully carried us in the past and He sees me worry more, He takes time to assure me. Even when I try to fix things on my own, He gently reminds me that it’s not my job. That in the blackness of the night where I find myself weeping over the outcomes of what may be, that He comforts me in His timing and divine plans.
As appointments start to pop up on my radar, I find the utmost comfort in knowing that they have always been on God’s radar. There isn’t a single detail of tomorrow morning that He doesn’t already know or care about. He knows the position of each chamber, the regurgitation of the tricuspid valve, the ejection fraction, and on and on. There isn’t one thing that He hasn’t already prepared us to hear tomorrow or one thing that He won’t equip us to handle. It’s never easy watching Jackson forced into such an adult world or Ava watching from the sidelines, but God’s growing such an incredible little army out of my family. One of courage and compassion, Love and commitment. Jesus, we choose to honor you tomorrow. In the good times and the bad, you are worthy. You are worthy.