Saturday, July 16, 2011

July 16, 2011 (Day 58) And the List Making Continues…

6 AM, Saturday Morning and I am wide awake. 20 days and counting down until I move down to Houston to wait for Jackson and start the next chapter of this journey. I find myself laying in bed thinking of all the things I need to do and want to do before I leave. I make my lists and then try to create a balance of the “to do’s” and the family time we have left. Chris will continue to work from Austin during the week and take care of the house and then join us in Houston over the weekends. I find myself overwhelmed with details and trying so desperately to plan for something that I honestly have no idea how to plan for.

I find myself starting to panic about living in a new city by myself (with Ava), finding my way around, driving to doctors appointments ,all  while I am 36 weeks pregnant waiting for our little boy to come. With each day passing we can’t help but think about how he is going to do. Will he need surgery right away? How long will he be in the hospital for? Will he make it? Oh Lord, will he make it?

Nesting in the third trimester has taken on a new extreme meaning. Between teaching myself how to make hats for him during his stay in the NICU, lining up our places to stay at various points, trying to get our house ready for when we all come home, and packing us up for an unknown amount of time, I realize how thankful I am that God made me a planner. In so many times of my life I have wanted to be different. I wanted to put away my Type A personality and just be careless and free. Sometimes I get stressed out and my perfectionist part of my personality doesn’t allow me to fully embrace all the opportunities that I would like to enjoy. Then comes Jackson; the boy that is teaching me to be satisfied with who God made me to be. To find joy in the fact that I am uniquely made and to be thankful for the giftings that I have been given.

For with my Type A personality comes organization, planning, lists, and determination. We walk into every doctor’s appointment with “Jackson’s Binder” that includes directions for everywhere to go, a list of all specialist information, different heart diagrams, progress updates, paper for note taking, and of course his latest profile picture sits neatly on the cover. I make lists everyday and I think ahead. I take on details that may be insignificant to some, but to me every detail that goes into this journey deserves the utmost care. Whether it be in making extra calls, doing more research, making things special for our family, or seeing to it that everything is lined up right, I put my heart and soul into every line on my lists.

To me it’s not about a place to stay in Houston, it’s the home where we will fight for our family. It’s not about the specialist’s title, it’s about the skills they have to save me son. It’s not about making hats for Jackson, it’s about trying to make his first days as special as they can be. And it’s not about a list of things to do, but what God is going to do through the thousands of papers of details.

So today I am thankful to be me. Thankful to stand in the character and gifitings that He has given me. He has used my whole life to prepare me to be the wife, the mother, and the list maker that I need to be for Jackson. I can see in so many ways how He has blessed every detail that we have thought of and is handling the thousands that haven’t crossed our minds.  What a caring and loving creator we have. That so many of the things I have wanted to change about myself He has used for His glory!



    A sweet little song I have always loved-

    When the weight of all my dreams
    Is resting heavy on my head,
    And the thoughtful words of help and hope
    Have all been nicely said

    But I'm still hurting,
    Wondering if I'll ever be
    The one I think I am. I think I am.

    Then You gently re-remind me
    That You've made me from the first,
    And the more I try to be the best
    The more I get the worst.

    And I realize the good in me,
    Is only there because of who You are. Who You are...

    And all I ever have to be
    Is what You've made me.
    Any more or less would be a step out of your plan.

    As You daily recreate me,
    Help me always keep in mind
    That I only have to do
    What I can find.

    And all I ever have to be
    All I have to be
    All I ever have to be
    Is what You've made me.

    Love you Kathryn... can't wait to be there to help in anyway. I have my 'Houston' list going. God is in the details and is absolutely aware of all of them concerning everything.

  2. If you ever feel like you need a driver or someone to watch Ava, I'm here. I need to send you that list on helpful things for the hospital.
    Be sure you have a person who you trust and can go into the NICU and take pictures of him for you (you might still be in recovery).

  3. Oh, Kathryn, I have just begun reading about your journey with Jackson! When I was in Oregon last month Alicia Jones told me about your situation. I am praying so hard for all of you, and especially for Jackson's sweet little heart. I am 26 weeks pregnant with our third child now--a boy--and my heart goes out to you. We love you guys and will be praying! Thank you for sharing this with all of us.