July 14, 2011 (Day 56) Weariness Hits

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I woke this morning after barely any sleep last night to feel even more exhausted than I was the night before. Chris & I hurried around to get ready for work and for my next doctor’s appointment. Ava & I ran Chris to work and then headed toward the OB’s office. I looked at the clock, “Ok, 15 minutes to get there. We can do it.” We arrived on time and waited. We waited for two hours to be more specific. Our Austin OB had gotten called into an emergency c-section and so we had to cut my appointment into two different sections. As I sat trying to entertain Ava with as much creativity as I could, I began to hit this emotional rock bottom. It was one of those moments where you want to break down and cry but you can’t.

Six different appointments with specialist this week; Doctors here, doctors in Houston. Everyone needing something different from us and each one with a list of their own questions. Sometimes I just want to stand up and say, “I don’t want to be pricked by another needle, pea in another cup, fill out another family history form, sit in another waiting room, ride another elevator, and answer any more questions.” I am exhausted and just when I think I can’t do it anymore, I realize we are barely touching on the surface of the care that Jackson will need.

You have your good days and your bad days. You have your moments where you feel on top of the world to be receiving such amazing care and then you have your moments when all is said and done, your greatest desire is to never have to access that care in the first place. Behind each meeting with a specialist is just another reminder that we have a very sick baby. I try my best to put on a brave face and joke with doctors, but inside it kills me every time I find myself seated on another exam table. It’s so hard when everyone is excited to find a heartbeat at around 70 beats a minute just because it means he is still functioning, but I still feel extreme pain because that is no where near what a healthy baby needs to survive. Each time someone struggles to find his heart rate it’s like a dagger to my own heart.

Lord, I am so tired, so weary, so emotionally drained. I feel like I have reached my capacity and today on my wedding anniversary, I just can’t seem to pull myself together enough to even celebrate. Four years ago today I married Chris and have experienced the greatest joys and the greatest pain in my life during that time. I think back to that day and I remember crying before I walked out to see him for the first time on our wedding day. I was so happy, so nervous, and so excited for our life together. I sit here today, four years later having one of my more difficult days of this journey and find myself with grieving tears streaming fast. We aren’t going away for our anniversary, there are no gifts on the table, and with everything going on today, we aren’t even having a special dinner. It’s surprisingly one of the things I love most about my marriage. It’s not fancy, it’s not extravagant, and it’s simple in every way. As disappointing as it is to have one of my bad days fall on a day that should be a day of celebration, I see in its truest form a healthy and loving marriage at work.

See I know that when my husband comes home, he won’t expect me to be dressed up, the house to be cleaned, or even have dinner made. He knows me well enough to hear my pain on the phone and I know without question that he will spend his night comforting me, holding me, and calmly reassuring me. The fact that I know that he will do all of this is the best anniversary gift he could give me. Instead of a neatly wrapped package on the table or a romantic getaway for two, he gives me the gift of the most unselfish love everyday in the way that he cares and provides for me. He loves me on my best of days and on my worst of days, when I am all dressed up and when I rockin my pajamas all day. He loves me when I exude joy and he loves me when I cry out in pain. Simply put, he just loves me.

So as we experience our best of days and worst of days together, we fall more in love. We learn to meet the needs that each other has and work each day on piecing together the next steps of our life together. I love you without fail my husband. I am so blessed that God chose you for me…. I know I couldn’t make it through this with anyone else! May we never stop learning how to love each other and may we always learn to take life with stride as we allow the best and worst of times to bring us closer together. I love you more today than yesterday…. And I will say that every day for the rest of my life.