The last 10 days have been a whirlwind. Having a baby is already a huge change in itself, but add to it the complications with Jackson’s heart, the extended stay in the hospital, and the waiting game and you can imagine the extreme stress that we have on our plate. We found out yesterday that the doctors have chosen to move forward with the plan to put a pacemaker in Jackson. The surgery schedule is really full next week so at best we will have one towards the end of next week or the beginning of the following week.
During all of this we get to see brief glimpses of Ava when she visits and then having to say goodbye to her is like loosing a piece of our hearts. We haven’t left Jackson’s side. In fact it has been 10 days since I have been outside. I haven’t left his room unless I need to go to the family room to get something out of the fridge. People keep telling us to take care of ourselves, to get some sun, go out for a bit, etc. I keep looking at Chris with tears in my eyes and saying, “I just can’t. I know those would all be good things to do, but I just can’t leave him.” Chris has been the perfect husband to calmly rub my shoulders and just allow me to be where I am most at peace which is always holding Jackson or standing by his bedside.
The doctors come in everyday and it seems like so does everyone else in the hospital. Some days it feels like every 10 minutes someone knocks on our door and needs something from us. Taking Jackson’s vitals, ekgs, more discussions, and more unanswered questions. The doctors have been so encouraging telling us that we are a pleasure to work with, that we are so understanding, so peaceful about the situation, so calm about the unknown. We try so hard to be a good representation on Jackson’s behalf of all the amazing things God has done so far but truth be told we are running out of steam and quickly.
Each day seems longer than the day before, each discussion is harder than the one before, each test proving more uncertainty as to what Jackson’s heart is doing. Chris is officially on unpaid leave which forces us without a paycheck, paying the full portion of our medical benefits without contribution from Dell, and medical bills continue to build as we continue our stay in the hospital. Lord, this seems unbearable, undoable, and impossible.
I was thinking this morning and really questioning where I am at. Do I have the faith to push forward when science presents an answer? Do I have the faith to keep praying for a miracle when I am exhausted in not seeing the results that we want? Do I truly believe that God can perform a miracle even at the last moment?
The answer is yes. Is it easy? No. The constant waiting, the constant disappointments as we wait for God to heal him, and the agony of what waits ahead. At times it feels like a mountain of impossibilities. I have come to the realization and although it is difficult, I know this to be true. God is faithful, God is always on time, and God always has a plan. While I don’t know if God will ever heal Jackson, as a mother I will never give up pleading for his life through constant prayer. For as we move forward we know that each day is another step in the journey closer to seeing God reveal himself more and more through Jackson’s life. As a parent living with a miracle child I have learned even in the first 10 days that the pain is unbearable but the joy is indescribable.
So in faith we push on, continuing the fight, pleading through prayer, and waiting to see more of the goodness of God in our lives. There are no doctors that have the ultimate answer, no physician that can heal like our God, and no surgical team that can change the plans God has for our little boy. We praise Him for providing such amazing staff here that is taking such good care of Jackson and continue to ask for His ultimate healing over Jackson’s tiny heart!
If you are in a difficult position, trust Him. Even when life doesn’t make sense and you don’t see the results you want, trust Him. Choose to live a life of faith, one that stands out in a world where others are searching for an answer. Set apart, steadfast, and full of character. God WILL use you!