September 6, 2011 (Day 111) Letter to Jackson

To my little Jackson,

As the days have drawn closer to your expected arrival I have often wondered what my last journal entry would be before I meet you for the first time. As I woke this morning with tears I knew in my heart that the last words of this part of the journey were meant to be that of my heart for you. It’s been quite the journey we have taken as you have grown inside of me. With each new stage along the way many emotions have come, but none greater than a deep, deep love for every tiniest part of you.

I am overwhelmed with emotions as I think about meeting you for the first time tomorrow. There was a period of time I didn’t think I would ever get to see you. I think back to our doctor questioning whether your dad and I wanted to stop with this pregnancy and start over. Without even seeing you, I want you to know that I could have started over for the rest of my life and never even touched on the incredible gift that you are to me.

Someday when you are old enough to read the story of your life I pray that the pages of this book reveal to you a greater love than anything this world has to offer. That with each word you would see the faithfulness of God over your life even as you were being formed. Where doctors diagnosed, God knew better. Where statistics were given, God chose you to overcome. My prayer for you is that as you grow in life that you would also grow in your admiration for who God created you to be. That the scars on your chest, the pacemaker inside of you, or whatever is needed to save your life, would be physical reminders of how much you are loved. That instead of looking at your life with some restrictions that you would look at it with all the promises that God has given you.

Your life has forever changed mine. You have taught me more than anything has been able to before, you have challenged me more than anyone I have known, and you have pushed my heart to grow in ways that I never imagined. As I have watched God use the tiny seven pounds that you are I stand amazed at all the possibilities that your life has to offer as you continue to grow. There are parts of me that fear, but much more so a huge part of me that is so excited to see where God will take you and your “special” heart.

I will always be with you on every step of the journey. I can’t make any promises for what lies ahead, but I know that just as I will hold your hand in the NICU tomorrow, I will hold your hand through anything that comes your way. There is nothing your dad and I won’t do to give you the best life possible. Whatever it takes, wherever we have to go, and no matter the sacrifices, we will continue to fight for you. You have always been and will always be worth fighting for. It is my greatest joy to bring you into the world tomorrow and one of the highest honors of my life to be your mom. I am so proud of you already as you have exceeded expectations, blown statistics out of the park, and pushed past milestones. You are our daily miracle and I thank God everyday for another chance to experience the life that you are growing into.

I look back at my first entry and I think of the extreme pain we felt as we thought we were losing you. I think about today and how we are one day away from the very start of your life with us. What a journey it has been. I have spent many of days crying for you, praying for you, and fighting for the opportunity to one day bring you home. Baby Jackson, keep strong, keep fighting, and keep kicking away. We are just steps away from our dream of opening the door of our home and carrying you through.

Jackson Oliver Elliot, you are loved beyond any words I could write on a page. Get some rest sweet boy, because tomorrow it’s Go Time!

Love you,

Mommy