Friday, September 2, 2011

September 2, 2011 (Day 107)

When we lost our 2nd baby in a miscarriage I felt trapped under a mountain of emotions that were difficult for me to process. We followed advice from others on practical ways to get through that period of time but even after things like naming our baby, talking through our emotions, and praying through the hardship, I was still left with this heavy weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t shake. Finally one day I realized that the emotions that I was having were directly related to the fact that I had never been able to express as a mother my heart towards that child. That all the love, all the excitement, and all the joy of becoming a parent again were never able to be communicated. I never got to tell our baby that I loved him/her. I never got to hold their precious body or kiss their soft cheeks. I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter to our little baby Jaiden. It took a long time and after lots of tears I finished the letter and signed it “Love, Mommy.” There was an overwhelming peace that came over me as I was finally able to express my heart as a mom to a child that I truly loved.
In the same way, as we draw near the end of this pregnancy with Jackson I have so many emotions, so many fears, and yet so much excitement as well. I fear what could be, but I anxiously wait to see the awesome things that God is going to do. I think about his little tiny heart and how it has been stable for long after the doctors said it would be. I think about God’s provision on our lives as we have traveled this long road and I can’t help but be reassured that his life will be nothing short of a miracle. Everything and I literally mean everything has been a miracle leading up to this point so why should we doubt now? Has God not covered every single detail with such compassion and excellence? Has He not provided above and beyond what we could have ever imagined?

 When we stood before the test of receiving the news about Jackson’s heart, my first response was, “God, there is only one choice. Only one option and I don’t know how to do it, but I know that you do.” We surrendered Jackson to the only One who truly knew the complexity of his heart, the future of his body, and the plans for his life. Every day I wake up to learn more about the love God has for me, my family, and for the world around me because of one little baby boy. Where I thought things were impossible, where finances wouldn’t stretch, and emotions were unbearable, I watched as God gently sorted through the mess and created a beautiful story which is unfolding as we wait for Jackson to come. His comfort, His peace, His love, and His grace is the only reason that we find ourselves in an apartment by the world’s largest freestanding medical facility with some of the nation’s best medical teams waiting for a small bundle to join the world. They are ready for a baby with a broken and dysfunctional heart, but God we are ready for a miracle. We stand in faith that this next chapter of our lives will be nothing less than a reflection of the incredible God that you are. A God that cannot be described, nor confined to words on a page, but a healer, a provider, and a God that performs miracles just as much today as you have throughout history. God we stand in awe of you and we know that Jackson’s heart is nothing short of an amazing plan that you have complete control over.

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