Over the last several days Ava has been experiencing some weird symptoms which suggest some possible serious complications. I have been trying to calmly approach these symptoms as they appear trying to not overreact to what could be just a fluke thing. As the days pass, anxiety builds and as each symptom remains I find myself letting go of any calmness that was there before and replacing it with deep concern. I contacted our nursing coordinator for Jackson yesterday evening to schedule an appointment for Ava today to have some blood tests done to show any signs of complications with her liver.
I tossed and turned all night as I lay next to her in bed. I kept just looking at her beautiful face and wondering what to expect from today’s appointment. I found myself paralyzed with fear throughout moments of the night as I thought back to our doctors appointment for Jackson. One day, one hour, one appointment, that was all it took to turn our life upside down. In a small amount of words came a diagnosis that crippled us to our knees. Since then our lives have been drastically different.
I think about going into an appointment today with Ava and the very thought of anything being wrong with her causes my heart to ache. “Lord, I can’t do anymore right now. I can’t do any more anxiety, any more worrying, any more pain.” As we prepare for her appointment today we also prepare for two different appointments for Jackson as well. We go in for a growth & bio physical profile ultrasound as well as meet with our OB to see if anything has changed since being hospitalized last week. With each of his appointments brings a lot of unknowns as we are approaching the very last part of this pregnancy and preparing for how he will be delivered safely. We are still waiting to see if he can handle a delivery or if a c-section is needed to keep his heart strong enough for whatever comes after that.
As a mother I sit here in the early morning light thinking about my precious kids and it brings me to my knees. It’s so easy to at times to let go of the things you feel ok with not controlling and surrender them to the Lord. It’s not easy to surrender the very things that you hold in the highest regard. But, who I am to think that I can take better care of my kids then my loving God? Who am I to think that my love for them is greater than the One that created every tiniest detail of their bodies?
“And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
God, we cry out for healing for our kids. We pray over their bodies that you would take the symptoms, the complications, and the physical pain away from them. We pray that you would guide and direct the hospital, the doctors, and our decisions as parents to bring light to anything that is needed for their health. Lord I pray that with everything in our lives that you use our faith to speak to our kids about the greatness of who you are. That they would watch us trust in you and that they would grow in their faith even as young children. God, we need your comfort today.