Monday, August 1, 2011

August 1, 2011 (Day 74) Beautiful Vulnerability

It’s taken me awhile to get back to blogging with all the business of planning our temporary move down to Houston. When we found out about Jackson we knew the road ahead would be difficult, but we had no idea all the millions of details it takes to fight for his life day in and day out. Our days our filled with doctors visits, long checklists, and preparation for his arrival. I found myself getting so into the practical that I threw myself into project after project. Whether it be sewing, yard work, unpacking the house, etc, I just needed to stay insanely busy with something so that I didn’t have to face the reality that in just a few short days I will take my bags and head to Houston with Ava for an unknown amount of time.

It was yesterday morning (Sunday) that I woke up exhausted from all the projects that I found myself wearily walking downstairs to sit in our office. I just stared out the window and I began to cry. The tears came harder and I lost myself completely into an emotional breakdown. I spent a good while there and then I heard the soft footsteps of Ava coming down the stairs. I tried to quickly rub the tears away, but I was so long gone. She ran into the room with a huge smile on her face and then I saw it. She glanced at my smeared makeup and wet eyes, her smile vanished and she lifted her arms for me to pick her up. She sat completely still in my arms and I started to shake as I cried. She didn’t move, she didn’t say anything. After a bit she looked up at me and gently took her hands and wiped away my tears. It was such a sweet gesture that it made me start crying again.

We have always tried to guard Ava from experiencing too much of our circumstances, but God has gifted her with such a mature intuition, that I know she understands probably far more than we think she does. I spent some time explaining to her some of my sadness and we just sat together for awhile. At first I felt so guilty for allowing her to see me breakdown, but then I realized that there was something so beautiful in that moment of holding her. She experienced all of my vulnerability and my emotions. She saw me in the raw and at my lowest. She saw that crying was okay and needed. That it wasn’t a weakness, but a way to process through times when your heart just aches. She watched as I pulled myself back together and how she brought a smile back to my face. She smiled at me and we began to laugh together.

 To my precious Ava,

I love you. You are without a doubt the most sensitive and compassionate person I have ever had the privilege to share life with and you are only three. You are wise beyond your years and God has gifted you with a gentleness that will bless people the rest of your life. May you always feel comfortable to be vulnerable when your heart aches and may you always seek Jesus when you are lost in the unknown. It’s okay to cry. I pray that through all of this that the vulnerable moments we share together give us a bond that is unbreakable throughout the years. You are my pride and joy, the one that can make me smile faster than any other, and an honor to grow in life with. I am blessed to have been given the role as your mom… I have a front row seat to the amazing things I know that you will do with your life! Thank you for sharing in that moment with me on Sunday. I won’t ever forget your tiny hands wiping my tears away and your sweet gentle smile. You are one of a kind honey!

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