September 21, 2011 (Day 14 after birth) Keep Smiling

Yesterday Jackson was scheduled for his pacemaker surgery. We waited anxiously for noon to roll around as that was their best guess for a time slot for him. As a mother it was like a living nightmare waiting for the clock to slowly roll around  to part ways with my son. One o’clock, two o’clock, finally three o’clock rolled around. We hadn’t heard anything and I was hanging on by a thread. A knock on the door and in came our surgeon. He began explaining that we weren’t going to be doing surgery. I had to find a seat on the couch as I listened to him explain his concern with operating on him with the uncertainty of exactly what to do in order to prepare him for future surgeries.

Our surgeon, the incredible Dr. Fraser seemed to think that giving it a few more days may allow us to make a better decision about whether he needs a pacemaker right away and further what was needed to be done during that procedure to prepare him for the possible larger surgeries down the road. I tried my very hardest to hold back the tears as so many emotions flooded my head.  I had mentally prepared for a surgery that wasn’t going to happen, I was being told that we are starting to look at more major surgeries than previously thought, and realizing that we will need to continue to stay at the hospital waiting for further answers. As soon as he left the room the very sound of the door closing brought the rush of tears flowing freely. I broke down and hardly had any time to process as the long string of doctors and staff flooded into our room one after another. I was getting tired, so very tired.

After everyone had left and things quieted down a bit, Chris asked me if I was okay. I found myself sitting on the chair next to him saying (I quote word for word), “I don’t know. I just keep freaking waiting for God to show up.” As soon as the words left my mouth they stung my heart. Really, is that how I felt? If you have ever caught yourself in mid sentence saying something like that you know the sick feeling you get as you wish you could rewind and start over. I share this only to point out that even amongst the faith we have there are moments that my heart collapses into such deep pain that I just can’t wrap my head around what God is doing in our lives.

Last night we received a call that a large donation was made to us by some incredible family. As I sat nursing Jackson I felt like a school child wanting to climb under my desk and hide as I remembered the words I had uttered earlier in the day. The phrase popped into my head, “God’s past faithfulness demands my present trust.” God has been so good to us every step of the way. How can I even think that He hasn’t shown up on our behalf? He has, everyday He has. Even when I haven’t chosen to see that it was Him, even when I haven’t taken the time to thank Him for the things He has done.

Our night Resident came in last night and was talking with us on how we were doing. He felt horrible for us. He ended the conversation saying in his strong accent, “That is what I always like about you. You never stop smiling.” Multiple visits today where doctors have been saying how incredible they think we are that no matter what the news we handle it with such peace and keep smiling. Oh, how sweet to journey through the hard times knowing all the while that you have a God with a perfect plan. I may cry behind closed doors because I am only human, but I keep smiling because my child is in the hands of the ultimate healer and physician.

Read this with Chris this morning and felt like it was a direct word from the Lord for Jackson today:

 “Human plans, no matter how wise or well advised, cannot stand against the Lord. The horses are prepared for battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord.” Proverbs 21:30-31